I am not built for speed. I am tall and awkward and gravity is not my friend. Sweetpea once said that gravity isn't anyone's friend; gravity is a total loner. I agree with her. What I remember most from PE classes in elementary school was that it seemed ridiculous to run SO HARD and not be able to catch up to the fat kids. I remember that, and the laughter of my classmates. I don't know if it's because I never figured out what to do with my arms, or if my knees move weird, or if it's that my feet are so big, but I have concluded that I must run funny. Not surprisingly, I stayed away from sports.
Physicality notwithstanding, my competitive spirit remains in tact and sometime around age 12 I began to shop. I learned from my mama who is a damn good shopper in her own right, and then I surpassed the master. I shop furiously. I have been known to smack talk other shoppers. Just when I thought I had peaked my shopping game, I learned to coupon.
Figuring savings into a shopping trip adds a new element of difficulty. I have a goal of 50% savings per trip. This means if I do pay full price for something that I absolutely need, like milk, I have to make up by saving more than half on other items. My weekly grocery trips are tinted in a new light. I prep up the night before in order to stay focused as I turn up and down the aisles. I have learned which stores are friendly, which are understocked and which ones detest people with coupons. I am polite to retail employees, I do not cause arguments, and in the case of a pricing discrepancy, I draw heavily on my southern accent and something else I learned at my mother's knee: passive is the best kind of aggressive. I usually get my way and everyone parts friends.
Seriously, ya'll. I rock at the shopping.
Drug stores are my new playground. They just give stuff away. It's amazing. It takes a little bit of work and some organization but if you're like me (our family nose-dived off the fiscal cliff two years ago), it is totally worth the effort. By investing an hour a week I can afford to be brand loyal again. Even our dogs are eating better these days. And one of the side perks of playing the drugstores is that you often get to try new products for pennies.
Just yesterday I ripped open a new razor. I purchased this particular razor as part of a package deal and I think I ended up paying $.75 for it. The box says, "Discover the confidence that comes with all-over smoothness and a neat bikini area." I remember reading that in the store and thinking a promise like that was totally worth a dollar. I used my new razor-with-built-in trimmer yesterday and so far, I do feel pretty confident.
In fact, you should probably stay out of CVS today because I am sassy and soda is on sale. I am going to beat CVS and make it cry and then I am going to celebrate by drinking a lot of Diet Coke in the can. Nothing tastes better than victory and aspartame and aluminum. And a neat bikini area.
I bet if I'd had this razor for Field Day in the sixth grade, I would have done better in that 50 yard dash. Then the gym clothes that I buy from Old Navy wouldn't feel like such a lie. But that's cool...I bought them on sale.
